When I Was Your Man
by Kathysweet
Summary: Lavi is heartbroken to watch the man he once had, and still loves, with another man. But he won't deny that watching his smiling face is worth the heartache. Yaoi. (past Laven, present yullen).
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own D. Gray-man.**

**Warning: Past Laven, Present Yullen :) (boyxboy), AU.**

**Surprisingly enough it will be in Lavi's pov only (for now at least)**

* * *

Watching them, how they seemed to be made for each other, was painful.

Lavi watched as his two best friends fought, leaving the impression that they hated each other, but he knew that when they were alone _hate _was far from what they felt for each other. No one, other than himself, really understood how dependent they were of each other.

It wasn't just because his observation skills were the best, but because in a way he had been the key that brought them together.

* * *

It was during his senior year of high school that Lavi met Allen, who was a freshman.

Entranced by the boys exotic look, he approached him and they quickly became friends. Unlike their meeting, when he introduced the white-haired boy to his best friend Yu Kanda, they hated each other.

Whenever they were close to each other they fought and made Lavi's life a bit more entertaining. While Allen and Kanda fought constantly, he and Allen started to become closer.

They would always be together and eventually Lavi began to develop a crush.

It had shocked him when he realized his feeling towards, he had always been attracted to girls and was even known for his flirting ways, but the boy was different.

He was bright and adorable.

Before he knew it his feelings became stronger the more he and Allen became closer. It was to the point that he could no longer hold his feelings in.

So on the day of the white-haired boys birthday, he confessed and asked the boy out. Allen was shocked, and to Lavi's delight quite embarrassed.

With a bright red face, Allen confessed that he might have feelings for him as well and agreed to going out with him. He had kissed the boy without thinking, causing the boy to become even more blushed.

Apparently it had been his first kiss.

After dropping him off at his place, Lavi's quickly went to his house and decided to tell both Leenalee and Kanda the great news. Lenalee of course had been happy for him and told him not to mess this relationship, an advice he should have carefully listened to.

When he told Kanda, he was surprised that his best friend didn't yell at him for calling so late with news that he was not interested in, all he got from the other line was silence and then a "hmm" of acknowledgment.

Lavi had been to busy with his own happiness, to really think about his best friends odd behavior.

Once he and Allen began dating, Kanda rarely hanged out with them. If he did, it was only when Lenalee was present, still Lavi had not found it odd since Kanda still acted like his normal grumpy self.

It had been Allen who had told him that Kanda was not acting like himself, but even then he just brushed it off telling Allen that, that was Kanda's way of giving them alone time.

After five months of dating Allen, things became to sour.

The reason was because Allen never really told him he loved him. Lavi had told him during their five months anniversary, but Allen didn't. Lavi had excused it since he believed that Allen was just to shy, but more problems became to develop. The second was when Allen told him he just wasn't ready to move their relationship to next level, when Lavi tried to become more intimate.

It was frustrating and soon enough he became to voice his frustration to Allen, which had caused them to fight.

Lavi, angry with Allen, began to avoid him.

It had been a wrong choice, especially since Allen had tried to ask for forgiveness. Still he had been angry and kept ignoring him. After Lenalee told him he was being a big idiot, Lavi started talking to Allen again.

They talked everything out and eventually Allen told him he was sorry for also being an idiot and not telling him that he loved him. Still Allen told him he wasn't ready to have sex yet, Lavi had understood at first since that had been Allen's first relationship and he was inexperienced.

Not wanting to cause more damage to their already fragile relationship, Lavi told him he would wait until he was ready and Allen had been happy.

It was during that time that he made the worst mistake in his life and in the worst time possible.

Since graduation was close, parties were being thrown from practically every corner, one of them was from a close friend and he decided to attend.

He had asked Allen if he wanted to go as well, but he had declined since the next day he had a math test and he wanted to study. Of course he had asked Kanda as well, but it didn't surprise him when called him an idiot and told him to fuck off. The last person he had asked was Lenalee who also declined with the same excuse as Allen.

Even so Lavi had decided to go ahead and attend especially since Allen told him that it was okay, they would have not been able to see each other anyway.

At the party Levi had decided to relax and have as much fun as possible, considering that once he graduated he was gonna work with his grandpa as an informant. The job took a lot of dedication and time.

Grabbing some beer, Lavi decided it was the best way to let loose, he drank a quite a few to the point he could not think.

Or remember.

The next day he had awoke with the worst headache he had ever had and it got worse when his phone began to ring loudly, causing his head to ache in protest. It was when he opened his eyes that he notice he was not alone. His body froze as he felt the girl half on his chest began to stir and mortification began to settle in to his mind.

They were both naked and the air still smelled of the activity he was now for sure they had done.

All he could think of was Allen and how much he hated himself. His self-hatred was put on hold, when once again his phone rang. Moving the girl away from him, Lavi could only feel disgust as he sat up and got his phone.

It was Lenalee.

He had let it ring until it stopped, not wanting to talk to anyone, but when he noticed he had fifty missed calls from different people. He called Lenalee back.

"Where are you!" she had said sounding odd.

"Um... I... What's wrong?" it was all he could say, to afraid and disgusted with himself to tell her his mistake.

"You have to come to the hospital close to Allen's house quick!"

"What happened? Is Allen ok?" he answered quickly forgetting about his infidelity.

At first all he had heard was a sob before Lenalee answered.

"Mana's dead."

* * *

**So this is a request fill for a good friend of mine who wanted me to write something angsty between Lavi and Allen. Not knowing what to write at first I was inspired by Bruno Mars (like always XD) song When I Was Your Man. Of course this is hard for me since I love yullen and I dont really like Laven (luckily she wanted yullen more than laven), also because I love Lavi and it hurt to write him as a cheater. Anyway this story won't be that long, but because I'm focusing on both Soul Mates & There is no if this one probably won't be updated regularly.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own D. Gray-man.**

**Warning: yaoi and swearing (I think).**

* * *

_"Mana!" his lover exclaimed as they entered the house._

_A tall and middle-aged man walked into the room, making Lavi wonder if this man was truly his lover's father._

_"Allen, welcome back. How wa- oh and who might this be?" the tall man asked as he looked straight at him._

_Lavi nervously smiled, knowing he should answer but feeling absolutely nervous and even afraid at being introduced to his lovers father. His lover must have noticed his nervousness, but who wouldn't, he was always hyperactive and talked just as much. So his quietness was definitely a sign of him being nervous._

_"Mana, this Lavi. Lavi, this is Mana," Allen said with a smile._

_"Oh so you are the famous Lavi I have heard so much about. It's nice to meet you." Mana said, as he stretched his arm forward and waited for him to shake his hand. _

_"It's nice to meet you too, sir." he finally answered, shaking Mana's hand and feeling proud he did stutter or do anything embarrassing in front of his lover father._

_They eventually went to the living room, where Mana and him were left alone as Allen got some snacks. It was awkward to say the least, the only noise made was from Allen moving around in the kitchen._

_"Thank you," Mana told him out of nowhere._

_"Um for exactly what sir?" Lavi asked, feeling slightly awkward with the situation and with his formality._

_Mana only laughed before he began to speak once more._

_"You can call me Mana" he said before he continued. "You know, when I adopted Allen he wasn't... How do I put this? Well he wasn't happy."_

_Lavi only stayed quiet as he listened to Allen's adoptive father, which made sense since they looked nothing alike. Mana got more comfortable in his chair as he continued talking._

_"He was only four, but he wasn't a happy child. He wouldn't show me his true emotions, always putting an act with a fake smile, but it never reached his eyes. My goal was to make him smile, a real smile, and I succeeded after two years," Mana said with a proud smile. _

_"Still, even after that, the boy didn't smile much. I was glad that he no longer gave me those fake smiles, but I wanted him to smile more and I got my wish. Maybe it's because for the first time in all his life, Allen has a place to call home, but he's been smiling more. I'm sure it's because of you and your other friend, so thank you." Mana looked at him with a grateful smile._

_Lavi smiled and told Mana that he was grateful he brought Allen to them. Thais when Allen came back asking them why they were smiling, which they answered him that it was their little secret._

_All in all, his first meeting with Mana was wonderful._

* * *

After Mana's death, Lavi finally understood what Mana said about Allen bottling up his emotions. The boy acted as usual, but everyone who really cared and knew him, could see the pain in that once brilliant smile.

Allen didn't cry.

Not even on the day of Mana's death, he just shut himself away. An empty shell that walks, talks, and breaths, but doesn't live.

Lavi wasn't much help, he couldn't, not with the guilt that kept eating him away. They held the name of a couple, but it didn't feel like they were in a relationship. Actually, his relationship and friendship at that time seemed to be going down hill.

Kanda had some how found out about his infidelity, and they fought. Not just with words, but with fists and Kanda won. Not because he was stronger, but because Lavi didn't try to fight him since he knew he deserved it. After the fight they laid on the grass of the park, where they had begun to fight, and he realized that he was not the only one in love with the white-haired boy.

"Are you going to tell him?" he had asked, already aware that Kanda loved his lover.

"No," Lavi wasn't shocked at the answer. Still, curiosity about why Kanda didn't use this information to his advantage, made him ask him his next question.

"Why?"

There was complete silence, until his friend sat up.

"Because... It's not my problem. You deserve to feel like shit, and I know that you do. It's eating away at you as we speak and you will break down, eventually. And...He deserves to hear it from you." Kanda said, before he picked up mugen and left to go home.

_Shit, he's right._

After that fight, Kanda didn't talk nor hang with him or Allen, not even when Lenalee was around. That only made his guilt worse, since he knew that Allen was hurt by Kanda's treatment. They had actually become close on the day of Mana's death, since he had not been there for Allen, apparently Kanda had.

It had made him jealous to know that while he was away, Kanda took his place, but then self-hatred would hit him. It was his fault for getting drunk and...

Just thinking of his infidelity was horrible and he did his best to forget it, but when he and Allen were alone, he could barely look at him in the eyes because he knew what he did was horrible and that Allen deserved to know.

But he was coward.

He never knew how cowardly he was, but every time he tried to tell Allen, his fear of losing him kept his mouth shut.

It wasn't until their one year anniversary that Lavi broke down and told Allen everything.

* * *

"Lavi!" he turned as he heard his voice, and smiled when he saw his lover. They had decided to meet at the park for their anniversary to have a little celebration, which he hoped would bring life back into Allen's smile and eyes.

"Hey" he said turning to face the white-haired male. Allen smiled, a broken smile, and looked at him as he threaded their hands together.

"So, I know what we are going to do today?" the smaller man said, squeezing his hand before they entered a restaurants they had reservations for.

"Oh really?" Lavi said teasingly.

"Yes, but you won't know until after we eat" Allen said playfully. It made Lavi think that he was back to normal, but he knew that Allen was hiding and pushing everything he really felt away.

He was sure that when he was all alone, the boy would suffer in misery.

Lavi knew because he was doing the same thing.

As they sat at their table, the one thing he was trying to hide and push away came to them asking what they wanted to order. He knew it was her, he had seen her face when he got ready to leave to go to the hospital as the girl slept. Since the deed had happened in the girl's apartment, that was far from his and any one he knew, he had been sure that he would never see her again. But there she was in front of him and his lover.

She recognized him, but she didn't say anything.

The girl took their order and left them alone. Even though she kept her silence, it didn't calm Lavi.

"Are you okay?" Allen asked him, looking confused.

He nodded and was happy when Allen didn't question him any further. She came back to leave their food, but that was all.

After they finished their food, Lavi paid for the meal quickly, and left with Allen without ever looking back. As they walked, Allen said that he wanted to stay over at his place and Lavi, whose mind was still on what happened, had said okay.

They rented a few movies on their way to Lavi's apartment. When they finally made it back to his place, Lavi was finally able to forget about his infidelity and focus on watching the movie with his lover.

While watching the movie, Allen kept moving closer to him, but Lavi didn't really pay much attention to it. That is until he felt Allen's lips on his neck, and before he knew it the smaller man was on his lap.

"Allen?" he asked, and later groaned when Allen sucked on his neck slightly.

"Lavi I'm ready." his lover said, when he finished kissing his neck. For the first time, since this whole mass, Lavi felt happy. Grabbing the back of Allens head, he crushed their lips together and started a heated kiss that left them breathless. They some how ended up with Allen underneath him on the couch and Lavi hovering over him.

They lost themselves to the pleasure, until Lavi was brought back to reality.

"_Lavi,_" Allen moaned as he began to kiss his neck, and at that moment the memory of the night he spent with that girl came back. She had moaned his name in the same way, not as wonderful, but enough to associate the two. Horror at the memory made him violently push away from Allen.

He landed on the floor, shaking with disgust. He knew that he couldn't go through. Allen needed to know because, not only did he deserve to know, but also because he would regret giving himself to him if he knew.

Lavi was Allens first boyfriend, so he was still a virgin. He owed it Allen, and Mana who trusted him, to be truthful.

"Lavi, what's wrong?" Allen looked at him, with those eyes that still held sadness, and Lavi lowered.

"Lav-" Allen started, but he interrupted.

"I cheated on you." he said, not looking at Allen.

Silence filled the room and Lavi decided to tell him the truth.

"I...I cheated on you on the day of Mana's death"

Once again silence was all he was met with, and he felt his heart-break as he kept talking.

"I'm so _sorry_" he sobbed, wanting and needing Allen to say something, _anything._

But all he got was silence.

* * *

**Sorry this took forever. I had many scenarios for how Lavi was going to tell Allen, but this one won them all. I hope it was sad cause that what I was going for :b. Also thanks to all those who commented/followed/favorite my story, I love you guys :).**


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own D. Gray-man.**

**Warning: Yaoi (boyxboy) and profanity.**

* * *

After telling Allen about his infidelity, the white-haired boy left without saying a word or even reacting.

He could still remember the blank stare that watched him as he begged for forgiveness, but all he got in return was nothing. Just Allen getting off his couch after a while and walking out the door.

Lavi broke down after that.

He repeatedly tried to contact him, but the boy wouldn't answer. He knew he deserved it but he had expected something more. Perhaps he was expecting Allen to tell him off or maybe cry, this reaction he received seemed more painful to him.

It was painful because it left him not knowing what Allen felt.

_Did the boy hate him? _

_How much heartache did he cause him? _

_Would he ever forgive him? _

But the one question that scared him was:

_Will he ever smile again after being hurt so many times?_

* * *

Two weeks passed without talking or being able to see Allen, and by then Lenalee knew something was wrong.

"What happened?" she simply asked one day when she came over his house.

"What are you talking about?" he said, briefly hoping she would leave it alone and not ask him more, but Lenalee was always a persistent person no matter what. She skeptically looked at home before she kept talking.

"Allen stopped talking... All together. What did you do?"

He stared at her, heart breaking even more when she said that.

"Lavi... _What did you do?_" she whispered the last part, voice cracking and sounding high-pitched, she sounded like she was crying.

"I-I told him the truth" Lavi answered feeling as if he would cry at any minute, but did his best not to. He turned to look at his friend who was staring at him with an intense look. She was begging him to continue without actually begging him. At that time he felt that perhaps she might be the only one who could help Allen smile again, so he continued talking.

"I cheated on Allen."

He told her everything and he was proud to say he told her without looking away. He was tired of being a cowered. Lavi felt he needed to face any punishment head on, but he was surprised when after telling Lenalee everything, she just called him an idiot.

"You're not angry at me?" he asked, knowing that Lenalee saw Allen like a brother she needed to protect.

"No, I already knew. I just wanted to hear it from you,"

"So he tol-"

"He didn't tell me anything. Like I said, he's no longer talking. I just some how knew that it was something like that."

"I was angry at you. I had planned to come, and after getting you to tell me everything, I had planned to yell and hurt you...but there would be no point," she said looking at him sadly. She turned to him and touched his cheek.

"You look like crap. Your skin is pale and you look like you haven't slept in ages, that's enough to know that you are also suffering from your regret, anymore infliction would probably kill you. And as your friend, I wouldn't want that"

He looked at her and the need to cry almost escaped him, but he didn't want to cry anymore. He didn't deserve to cry, his infidelity might have been done while he was drunk, but he was still to blame for hurting Allen.

Lenalee stayed for a while, trying her best to get him to go asleep, but he couldn't. Lavi was haunted by the empty gaze Allen gave him. The boy was broken already and he had shattered the pieces that could be used to glue him back together.

* * *

By the end of the second month of not having any form of contact with Allen, Kanda came to visit him. His best friend who had stopped talking to him after their fight, came to his house and scolded him like when they were children.

"Stupid rabbit! Why haven't you been going to your fucking work," the taller man stared at him angrily. He was unable to answer, so he Kanda kept talking.

"Tch, pathetic. Don't mope around like an idiot, if you want him to forgive you, go and do something about it!"

"So you know," he asked the raven haired male. Kanda looked at him with his usual scowl and then cursed under his breath, before sitting next to him on the couch.

"Lenalee is worried about the both of you, but at least the beansprout is still going to school and work."

"You..." Lavi began, rethinking what he was about to say, but his curiosity, about why Kanda was trying to cheer him up when he also loved Allen, got to him.

"Why are you not taking this opportunity to steal him away? I would have," he would do anything to get Allen. Kanda stayed quiet for a while, and Lavi was sure that he would get mugen out and slit his throat for asking him that, but he didn't.

"Remember when you asked me why I didn't just tell Allen about you cheating on him on that day we fought?" Lavi nodded, not understanding why he was bringing that day up again.

"I said it was because he deserved to hear it from you... but it was really because he chose you"

"What?" Lavi asked confused.

"When I found out about what you did I had planned to tell him, but instead I ended up telling him that I liked him. Of course he said, that he couldn't be with me because he was with you, and he liked you," Kanda didn't look at him as he kept talking.

"I wanted him to pick me because he liked me, not because I used your infidelity and was "_there_" for him," the raven said, and Lavi swore he heard a bit of pain, even anger, when he said that.

Lavi was slightly shocked at how much Kanda really loved Allen. It wasn't because the man was always an ass to everyone or because he never seemed to care for anyone, but because he had never expected it. Of course if he thought about it, then it made sense. He never really said anything hurtful about Allen, just teased him and that was Kanda's way of showing he cared.

* * *

After Kanda told him the truth, the male left with only telling him to man up and to go back to work, before leaving.

Trying to forgive himself was hard to do, mainly because he didn't feel he deserved to feel good about himself until Allen did.

Still Lavi began going back to his work, now that he was no longer in high school, it was time to work for his grandfather, who was nice enough to give him some time to mope around. Kanda also worked there now since his grandfather had hired him while his absence. He was glad that he and Kanda were talking again, and the job was helping to repair the friendship they had destroyed since they were sort of working partners.

The job became easier with both working together, even if Kanda tried to kill him multiple times for calling him Yuu.

He still wasn't able to get the courage to go and talk to Allen again. He had gone from wanting to talk and make up with Allen, to afraid of finding out how much he hurt Allen and it grew as time passed by.

Lenalee had tried multiple times to get them to speak, but either Allen would refuse or the cowardice he thought he could overcome, got to him.

It wasn't until Lenalee told him about, how Kanda and Allen were talking again, that emotions began to bubble to the surface.

"Lavi, did you know that Kanda and Allen are talking again?" she asked. Looking at him nervously.

He wouldn't lie, he felt shocked and angry. Kanda had not told him about them talking again, but then again just mentioning Allen made Lavi feel uncomfortable and horrible. But he couldn't help the jealousy and anger that came with the news, he still loved Allen even if he hadn't seen him for almost a year, the memories of them together still lingered.

"How...w-why didn't you... Damn!" he wasn't even able to come up with something to say.

"Calm down Lavi. They aren't dating or anything, just friends. Besides you don't have any right to feel angry, especially since you never did anything to get together with him again," she told him, looking at him a bit angrily at his jealousy.

"I know... I just... Can't get over him," he told her, and she smiled at him in compassion.

"I don't think he's completely over you either, but I won't lie to you. I think he might be falling for Kanda," she said completely seriously.

"Why are you telling me this?" Lavi asked desperately.

"Because you deserve to know and... Because I don't want you to do something that might hurt him again if I'm right about him liking Kanda,"

"So you support them," he asked sadly.

"I only support the one that can make him happy. I'm not sure if Allen likes Kanda, or even if Kanda would make him happy, but if Allen tells me that he does then I would support it," she said then continued.

"The same with you, if Allen told me he forgave you and wanted to give you a second chance, then I would support it. That is of course, as long as I know you would never hurt him again, which I don't think you would."

Lavi couldn't help the smile that spread on his face, Lenalee really loved Allen as a brother.

* * *

After his talk with Lenalee, Lavi decided to go speak with his best friend before he did something that could jeopardize their friendship.

He called Kanda and asked him if the could meet up at the park.

"Tch, fucking rabbit what do you want now? Don't I get enough of you at work?" his friend said as he walked closer to where he was sitting on a bench. Lavi didn't answer him right away just waited until he was right in front of him. Kanda looked at him a bit confused since he was being abnormally quiet.

"What-"

"Is it true that you and... Allen are talking again?" he interrupted. Kanda looked at him for a while before sitting down next to him.

"Yeah, but it's not what you think stupid rabbit," Kanda didn't sound like he was lying, and he would know since Kanda was never a good liar.

"I know... I'm so selfish, I have not right to feel jealous or angry, but I do" he said to his friend, hating himself for being so selfish, especially since he knew that his friend also really loved the white-haired boy.

"You're so fucking annoying. Just go talk to the goddamn bean sprout, I'm sure he would love to fucking see you again," the raven haired male said, not angry or jealous, before he left without looking back.

Lavi took Kanda's advice and decided to talk to Allen again. Lenalee's and Allen's graduation was the day he decided to see the white-haired boy again. And when the day came he was a nervous wreck.

Kanda kept hitting him for being to annoying, in other words for being too skittish, as they sat and watched both Allen and Lenalee. When he saw the white-haired boy his heart began to beat rapidly as he looked at him walk across the stage to get his award.

Yes, he still loved him.

As the ceremony finished Lavi got nervous, even more, as the kids got out of the school to greet their families. Lenalee came rushing out and hugged both him and Kanda, but Allen was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's the bean sprout?" Kanda asked Lenalee.

"Who are you calling a bean sprout, Bakanda!" Allen answered from behind Lenalee.

"Tch, your japanese is horrendous idiot," Kanda countered with a smirk.

"And your English is also horrible. Can't even pronounce the r's correctly. Here Bakanda I will help you it's ho-RR-endous," Allen also smirked at Kanda.

"Why you little..." Kanda fumed and Allen smirk grew into a smile as he watched Kanda become angry, that is until he noticed his presence.

"L-Lavi"

It became quiet as they all looked at him, but his gaze was on the white-haired boy.

He was shocked.

Allen had smiled, the kind of smile he had not seen since before the death of Mana, and all he could think was that the one who caused it wasn't him, or even Lenalee, but Kanda.

Kanda had picked up the pieces he shattered, and what he thought was impossible to fix, the raven haired man fixed.

That's when he knew.

He knew that no matter what he said or did, Allen was no longer his. His heart was no longer his and the only thing that didn't let either of them to move on was that neither of them got any closure. They never really got to talk anything out and it seemed that now that was the only thing he would be able to do.

Weirdly enough, at that moment he did not feel so angry or jealous with his conclusion. Sure he felt sad, he was in love with Allen, but if he had to suffer a little heartache then it was fine.

It was fine because as long as he got to see that smile again, then he was happy.

* * *

End.

* * *

**So officially it has come to an end, but I might write two little extras. One about Allen and Lavi actually talking after the graduation and another with Allen and Kanda finally getting together :).**

**Anyway thanks to all those who reviewed/followed/favorites. It was fun to write and at times sad to write (I still love you Lavi please forgive me) I will probably post up some more Yullen since this one was only focused on Lavi so hopefully you guys will enjoy future Yullen love :).**


End file.
